Things are still really crazy and hectic around here. My Mom's house is flooding because of the Snake River, I imagine my Dad's house is too but we don't talk often. My Dad got hurt falling into a feeder feeding his cows. My father in-law had to go to the VA hospital in Utah because he has "spots' on his lungs. Hubby just got to go back to work on Monday after being off for over 2 months with his lungs. We still don't know what the hell caused it all but it does seem to be getting some better so I am grateful for that!
School is out at the end of this week but Shyan is going to have to do summer school to make up her grades in Math and Science. I wish there was some way I could make it as easy for her with schoolwork as it was for me. Unfortunately I can't help her with the other stuff like making good friends and finding a boyfriend who is not a craphead. I never was good at that stuff at all.
  OK so enough manic rambling from my overtired insomniac mind!! Good night folks!
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I know some of what my emotions run me through happen to everyone at some level in their lives. I often find myself fantasizing about what it would be like to be 'normal'. Is there really a normal? How do I find it? Can I buy some?

Credit in part belongs to my wonderful but warped emotional well being; mainly the bi-polar side of my brain. Times when it feels like my brain is running 98 mpm and the world is only going 5 mph so I am frantically trying to put the brakes on to slow it down. I don't mind this mantic fast paced ride for the most part. That is until it becomes so out of control that I am grasping for things to keep me teathered to the Earth and my life.

Unfortunately the alter ego of this wild side is slide down into the drudges of the depression that is sure to follow. Tiredness that drains my body of any energy leaving my brain feeling like a bowl of 3 day old oatmeal left out in the rain. Flogging myself for the demons that haunt my soul and leave me sure I am insane. Sitting up into the wee hours of the morning pouring out my pain to those who most likely will never read this and if they do they may not care. 

I don't know for sure how I got this way. There are some good arguments for and against the common causes.

1. Genetics: the number of people in my family who are effected with some form of 'emotional instability' is astounding. Hmmm maybe the word I should use is astronomical. It is easier to name those off who do NOT have mental issues.

2. Upbrining: In describing my childhood family dynamics with a councelor once she seemed almost slack jawed as she wrote down the family history, disfunctions and abuse. The part I always hate when I inevitably end up having to see a new councelor due to mine moving or what have you, is seeing that look of pity in their eyes. I am not asking for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I am asking you to understand and to help me find a way to put these things in my mind in an order I can live with. 

3. Drugs, Alchohol and other self medicating technics: Like any good nutcase roaming around this world I have tried these things. Oh ok I admit I did more than try these things. I used them with total disregard for my own life and those lives around me. I wanted to feel good, I wanted to feel great.. more over I wanted to feel NOTHING. This actually worked for a long time. Until I had my kids. Then I turned to traditional medicines and doctors. Somtimes I think I liked pot a lot better!

4. Trauma: It is such a straighforward sounding word but in truth the only easy thing about it is pronouncing it. This is another thing that every person gets dealt with in their life. Those instants that rip your soul from your body and strangles your heart with it. Leaving images tattooed so deep into your memory that they live behind your eyes for a million years. The lucky ones can deal with this and go on as if it never happened. The rest of us are left as the walking wounded finding our way in a world that does not accept us.

So for tonight my friends I leave you here with this. When you see that haunted soul who walks past you with tears glistening just out of sight. Smile, wave, say hello.. let them know that you see them in there. Believe me sometimes it is the only time they know they are still alive.
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Hello there! 04/30/2011
 
I guess if your reading this it means you found my new web page and my blog! Holy Cow how did you get so lucky!?! Nothing much to say today since I just set this up and am checking it out to see how it is going to work.
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